June 5th or 6th, 2010....
Finally he is letting me out of the house! Ok, Us... About two days after being choked, slapped, spit on and more, I was Allowed to leave the apartment we "Shared." Mimi seemed un-phased by the whole situation. I can honestly say that she was a happy baby. I did my best to appear Normal...
That morning while getting dressed, I got up the courage to look in the mirror for the first time since he had hit me in the face, several times... I had a beautiful purple and blue eye that was starting to turn black. This is the time I wished I would had paid attention to my mother during her make up sessions she Tried to have with me. I packed on as much of that Mess as I could. But it just wasn't working... I smiled because even though I was in pain, I felt silly putting on make up. I don't ware it.
He called "What's taking you so long?" "What? You worried you didn't put on enough to cover your eye?" He then said before he even saw me... "LOOK at You, you missed a spot!" I braced myself for another blow but all he did was walk away laughing...
When we entered the library that Bright, Sunny day, I didn't realize how noticeable it was... I walked up the counter to ask about a book I was interested in or something and I remember the woman's face when she looked at me... She began to smile but that smile was quickly replaced with concern and worry. Fear for me is what I saw in her eyes. She saw my abuser and baby behind me and quickly went to look for what I had requested...
I'll never forget that day or the others. But this one sticks out to me the most because for Years I was so tough on my own mother and her experiences with domestic violence. I would call her weak and a coward because of her lack of willingness to leave or get help... But when I saw how that woman looked at me, with my child, and my black eye that I had Failed at hiding, I had to ask myself... "Is this what my own mother went through?" "Did she feel the same shame and guilt that I am feeling?" "Was she worried about Me just as I am about my own daughter, Her grand daughter?"
That is when I grew up and stopped hating my mother... That is when I stopped blaming her because I now knew what it was like to fear for your own life and that of your childs. I now knew what it was like to be under the control of a man who was hell bent on beating you for not doing as he had told you. And I am now learning the reasons as to why she didn't reach out for help like most might have told her...
To my mother, if you ever read this... I am so sorry for being so hard on you. The only way for me to make things right is for me to stay away from my own abuser and to protect your grand daughter, go to college and graduate, and to have a career so that I can give her a good life. I stay in this fight to get us back home to you because your grand daughter was ripped from you. You have been there for the past four years despite our rocky relationship and for that, I could never deny you your grand baby. She loves you mom... I really am sorry for judging you..
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