16 hours of NO sleep, man was I glad to be going home. But first I had to pick up baby girl from the daycare. And the walk from Water St to Lander and Gidney began, and yes, it was cold that morning...
"Great, four flights of steps after being up all night!" Let my journey to the bed began.
( I laughed to myself, I was tired but felt good. We survived Orange Counties, NY horrible shelter system. HE had contacted me two weeks prior to my overnight shift but I prayed and went on with life. I was the usual "Why won't you drop the restraining order?!" "You won't let me see my baby!" "They don't have to know that you brought her to me, you need to stop playing victim!" And then some. I hung up the phone that night and attended to the angry drivers trying to get through the check point of the facility.)
I was/ still am a NYS licensed security guard and did my job well. I had good full time job and our 2BR place and was working on buying our first car. I even had a pink car seat for baby girl. Things seemed to be looking up...
As soon as I open the door, our very shy three month old kitten has destroyed the new rolls of Scottie Tissue I just bought along with his mommy. But all I could do was laugh. Baby girl and I ate that morning and at some point we went to sleep... I never took naps, I'm just not someone that sleeps during the day.
"MK." There is a Knock... Knock... Knock... Knock... "MK its A**, open the door." I immediately grabbed touched baby girl, thank God she was still asleep. I grabbed my cell and dialed 911 but didn't hit send yet, HE had found me, She was here. "AM, what are you doing here!?" "Is he with you!?" "Why would you do this? Do you have any clue as to what he's done to my daughter and I?" My heart was racing and now my hands shake as I type this...
I didn't open the door until I peaked through. HE sent his girlfriend to serve me papers. She dropped the papers and that's when I ran after her.. "AM you told him where I live, I know he is with you!?" "Help!" "Somebody please HELP!!!""" Heart racing, I exit the building only to see Him and his girlfriend. She ran into the left passenger side and He stood there with headphones about ten feet away from me... My mouth dropped and I said in Disbelief "M!?' "You aren't supposed to be here!" "Oh God, Somebody please HELP!" "My abuser just found me and he's not supposed to be at my home, PLEASE HELP!!!"
By that point they had driven off and no one, I mean no one paid attention to my cries for help. The girls in my building had ran upstairs to check on baby girl and pulled me into the building. They held my hand while I spoke to the police as calmly as possible over the phone. The dispatcher was very sweet and patient. I told them what happened... Why the hell did I take that damn nap?...
It took about 20 minutes for the Newburgh Police to come. A tall white male came and asked a few questions. He told me to come to the station when I had found the protection order. I looked at with disbelief in my eyes but I was too afraid to confront him for his lack of empathy or understanding that I needed to get to the station to file the report right then and there. He left and I immediately called my sitter and told her what happened. She drove us down there and waited with me in the police station.
When we got there, I called Safe Homes of Orange County. I was on the phone for six hours with their intake person before I got out of Newburgh. While on the phone with the young woman for the Domestic Violence shelter, I went to the counter of the police station. I explained to the officers what had just happened and the one officer stated "There is nothing we can do. And I don't believe you." The 'nothing we can do' part was expected. It's Newburgh PD, I didn't expect much from this bunch on this shift but I really lost hope when the other officer stated "I don't believe that your daughters father violated the protection order." I walked away. The officer might as well had hit me right along with baby girls father. I literally felt Sick.
I sat down. There was so much going on around me. Another white officer, female this time, approached me and asked me what was going on. I told her as calmly as one could given the situation and she said "Go home and compose yourself and then come back to us with the protection order." I said to her "Officer I don't know if my abuser is still in the area. He was in a vehicle and knows this area and I am afraid he might still be out there. He used to beat me." "Is there any way you can print a copy out?, an officer did it for me once before." Again she told me to go home and compose myself. I left the police station crying and got as far as Key Bank on Broadway. I called to check on baby girl and she was fine. I called others who I did domestic violence outreach with and then just sat there.
I sat in front of that bank and cried. I literally could not move. The last time I was that afraid was June 5, of 2010... I vowed to never to give him that much power and control over my emotions. But I had failed. I had failed as a mother, I felt, because I knew what I had to do. I had hoped that the police would be helpful. This is what they are supposed to be trained in, right? To serve and protect. No, to disregard and neglect. To falsely accuse me of falsely accusing Him of doing something I Knew he did.
I had a 1000 foot stay away order of protection because of His temper, his beatings, his mental and emotional abuse. "If you Ever leave me I will kill me, you And the Baby!!!" March 24, 2010 is the day he yelled this... I had had it. I had to play the game though. I had watched my mother and how she would calm my step dad after he had beaten her to avoid another beating.She never taught me how to put on make up or how to cook, but she unknowingly taught me how to survive an abusive relationship and how to buy more time. I love you mommy...
But you see, my mother stayed for over 13 years... By the time she broke that cycle, I had seen too much. All I kept saying to myself over the years was "My mother is weak!" "She allowed him to beat her and as a result of that bad S** happened to us!" June 5, 2010, 4:32 pm is the Last time I called my mother weak....
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