Thursday, March 6, 2014

Random Thoughts...

I am in this state of reflection once again... 

As I sit here and watch my daughter play my mind drifts back to four years ago when I had her. I was twenty-four years old and swore that I would have everything together and my degree completed. I swore that I would be healed from the wounds caused by her father and the feelings of resentment towards my family for not being there. I have come very far but not in ways that I myself saw it happening. But the funny thing is that I don't see this as a bad thing.

I smile because I know what I have endured and overcome. I remember having to work three jobs at one point and had no idea as to how I was going to get sleep or who was going to watch baby girl. I remember being exhausted and frustrated. I have no family here in NYS. To say that I was homesick is an understatement, lol. I was more than ready to pack our bags and leave everything here behind. But over the years I've managed to hang in there. 

If only my judge know how strong I was and how much I've had to endure. How can a society have so much biased against single mothers? We have so much on our plates.

 There isn't a day that goes by in my life or the life of other single mothers that's ever routine. I remember just having pulled a double shift and having to rush baby girl to the ER because she had a fever. We'd wait and eventually be seen by the doctor only to be told that the cold had to run it's course. I did as advised and went home tired with no sleep having to prepare for the next shift...

I held baby girl those nights though. I never got upset or blamed her for being here. I just held her and fell asleep at peace. I had something good in my life. This little person who loved and who still loves me was counting on ME to provide for her. She didn't know that there were times that I had ran out of milk and would wash our clothing on my hands instead of at the laundromat mat. The formula was about the same price of laundry for that week. There were plenty of times that I've had to go without my needs being met but I didn't care. I was more concerned about her and getting more than the usual four hours of sleep,lol. She was worth it, still is. 

Four years ago I came here with plans and goals and now things have completely changed. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I don't have a clue as to what lies ahead. All I know is that my daughter is my world and the sky is the limit. Whatever comes my way, I have to stay strong and stay the course. If I give up, what will I be teaching my daughter? If I sit back and follow what others may want me to do, what example am I setting for my daughter? 

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